``The phone awakened me at 4 a.m.''

The phone awakened me at 4 a.m. I stumbled across the dark room to answer it, but couldn't find it in the pile of bills on the desk. I switched on the light, which didn't help since I was now blinded. I finally zeroed in on the ringing, figured out which end to talk into, and croaked "Hello."

"It's on. We meet at midnight three days hence. Bring your sword and shield."

It was a message I had awaited for a few thousand years, a call to arms, a call to revolution.

The woman I was spending occasional nights with these days squinted at me in the blinding glare two 75-watt incandescent bulbs in a ceiling fixture put out at 4 a.m. and asked, What is it? I fixed her with flashing eyes and quoted,

"By a knight of ghosts and shadows
I summon'd am to a tourney,
Ten leagues beyond the wide world's end,
Methinks it is no journey."

She muttered something about damn crazy poets, pulled a pillow over her eyes, and went back to sleep. I got dressed, grabbed my sword (cleverly disguised as a stainless steel Smith & Wesson .357 Magnum revolver) and shield (cleverly disguised as an aluminum trash can lid) and started walking. We were marching on Olympus, storming heaven, and we were going to take the Cosmos away from the old gods.

We met up three days later at midnight,
And there were five of us.

We found Prometheus, and a 12-gauge took out the roc that feeds on his liver,
And a tungsten steel saw freed him from his chains.

And we marched on towards Olympus,
And there were fifty of us.

We found Tantalus, and a nice long crazy-straw put that stream in reach.

And we marched on towards Olympus,
And there were five hundred of us.

We found Icarus, and gave him some superglue for his wings,
And he flew on at the head of our column.

And we marched on towards Olympus,
And there were five thousand of us.

A few sticks of dynamite made short work of Sisyphus's boulder.

And we marched on towards Olympus,
And there were five million of us.

Then we met the enemy.
Zeus threw lightning bolts at us,
But we caught them in Leyden jars and threw them back.
And Apollo drew the Sun down on us,
But we broke out solar-powered air conditioners and laughed.

Then Ares strode out, with shield and spear,
A mighty warrior to strike fear into our hearts.
But we just shot him, just like in Raiders of the Lost Ark.
And all the rest fled.

And we marched in victory into Olympus,
And there were five billion of us.

I climbed high in the sky to stand on the moon,
Artemis's abandoned chariot,
To proclaim:

"We have won, and the Cosmos
Is ours for the taking!
Behold!
We are become as gods..."

But the five billion were too busy fighting over the golden ambrosia cups to care.